My Life

[GateKeeper]

When i was young i had no love for life i used to do some crazy things .

It started when i got bullied as a child it happened for years as mum and dad didn't have much money and people used to take the Mick out of me for my clothes and stuff like that .

Then the bullying progressed to violence of which when i had this for a couple of years i grew strong to it .

I started to fight back it got to a stage even the girls would start to hit me because i wouldn't hit a girl .

Well eventually ide just had enough of the beatings that a girl dropped my crisps out of my hands all on the floor and i snapped i let hell rip .

I don't condone hitting woman but i i knocked her tooth out and got expelled from school .

So then i went to another school the bullying wasn't as bad because i thought well you know what i wasn't getting bulled in one school I'm not having it in others so i stood up for myself.
I was always outside the headmasters office for fighting i finished that school and went secondary .

Well the bullying was even worse there being thrown down the stairs having my lip split black eyes bullying in classes being threatened i bunked off for a year and my mum found out and told the school so i had to go back.

I was on daily report the whole time i was there until i got expelled .

The reason for that was i got fed up with being chased by 20 or more kids trying to rob me and beat me up.

The threats constant was coming i went boxing to make sure i knew how to fight back and low and behold who was there the same ones that was bullying me well i stayed and i learned and i fight them in the ring we came to a head in the area and i just wasn't going to take any more.

I decided to go looking for them one by one and i got them all of them i was finding myself out all the time looking for them like a passion and i found them the very last one i got was at school .

I was very violent when i got to him i remember smacking his head off a railing he was unconscious while i was stamping on his head shouting out you ain't no bully now are you .

Well the school expelled me for violence said i was to violent to go back to any school so i had to go to a one on one school there i done my exams.

While in the center i started to knock about with older people i was 13 14 at the time.

I was knocking about with 18 year olds and under i had no love for my life i didn't care if i died .

I used to say ide be dead before I'm 21 with people coming to find me for beating up others from other areas Friends of mine getting beaten up because they thought they was me .

I was building a name up for myself i used to play chicken on the railway lines very stupid things.

I used to climb up to roofs from drainpipes well i was still boxing ide only had 5 fights i got to the semi finals and lost because stroppy me was punching the bags not thinking and sprained my elbow on one side and my thumb on the other hand derrrrr .

I couldn't throw a punch i would have been OK if i could have knocked him out.

He was just two fast all i needed was one punch well any way i lost but my name was down to fight for England in America for the schoolboy england squad .

When my stupidity was at its worse i climbed another drain pipe i was up 30 ft and it came away from the wall.

Yes i fell and i was lucky i only broke my arm my wrist .
It was the time when the ambulances was on strike so i had a spg police van come and get me to take me hospital .

My mum was called to come and meet at the place it happened to come hospital.

Well I'm getting in the van the police woman only sits on my broken hand and arm and broke my two fingers but i was in shock as you could imagine.

I had 3 operations in two days on it all i remember is waking up telling them i couldn't feel my hand and them putting me back to sleep.

Then waking up not feeling two of my fingers then waiting half a day to go back in to another operation.

My boxing career was over.

The doctors told me that i would never have full movement in my arm and it was true as i cant so that was that .

Any way i healed my self up and started to knock about with my Friends again and i just got worse with doing all sorts of things but then i got a girlfriend and ended up getting her pregnant .

I was only 15 so i started to turn myself around i had two i was looking at a prison sentence for assaults on police and for assaults on people .

I had ten charges against me but i had a baby coming .

I got a job in a bakers and started to turn my life around every now and then i used to go a little crazy and have a fight but i never wanted to be that person anymore .

Well any way i got probation and youth center as i hadn't been in trouble for 6 months i got real lucky then my son came .
now i wasn't 21 yet and i thought i was cursed as everything i done went bad.

By the age of 21 i had 3 kids but ide still end up coming home some days with black eyes or cuts over me from nights out ending up having to explain why daddies got hurt.

Well i then had all these thoughts running through my head of all the things that happened to me i thought well I'm not dead I'm still here I'm 21 now i don't need this any more.

Now to think you didn't care if you was dead or alive was crazy thinking and Ive had a hard life so far but i had 3 kids that unconditionally loved me no matter what i done was definitely worth living for so i started to turn myself around .

I had been working with plasterers since i was 15 off and on.
i decided to get a career well i started with the laboring until the age of 24 by then i was ready to go to college to get my qualifications i done it but i split up from my ex she run off with another man.

I met my wife we started dating then i finished my course.

I got all A's ide never got one in my life to see a whole page of them was brilliant so after a year or so we got married and had our first child.

My poor wife had a child nearly every year for the first 6 years .
i started to go work for myself as a fully qualified plasterer and it turned my life around i used to get up thinking what a beautiful day.

I used to love going for walks taking the kids out spending time with my wife and as the years have gone on my love for my wife has got stronger and stronger now its like were meant to be and were never part.

I love my life and all it brings the people that come in my life are for a reason now Ive skipped out lots but i feel that explaining everything would take to long.

I love my life and all it brings cherish every moment that life brings you never know when its over.

In this time we lost a child and it really hit home and made me think of how stupid i was all them times but i would have gladly gave my life to save our child .

In death we learn what it means to live .

The morel to why i told you was that many times in your life that you think i cant cope or things are just two much in life its easy to walk away but sometimes you have to face things fully head on to overcome the hurdles in life.

You must be brave and tackle things as they come never live in fear and bully's always meet there match one day

I hope this post helps you in some way as we learn by our mistakes and what dont break us makes us who we are today .

peace & Love .


Gatekeeper

[starbornone]

My Dear Spiritual Brother...

Thank you for sharing your story with us... I know it took great courage... HUGs... You are not alone... You now know both sides of Bully and being Bullied. That makes my heart sad that you've had to learn to be a Bully to defend yourself. It is like a child that is abused by their parents and learns to abuse their own children... Many people have such experiences, if it is not being bullied it is something else... All families are dysfunctional on some level, and this is the truth. The main thing is to take your lessons with you, and leave your past behind. Our past is not what defines us, and many good people have had a rough past. You can't change the past, but you can use what you learned NOW to make your life better. We, and our children, are shaped by our thoughts; we/they become what we think/expect. This is why they say that the parent's sins (missing the mark) are visited upon their children.

Today let's believe in ourselves, our dreams, our family, friends and humanity. Our brothers and sisters known and unknown, here and elsewhere. Let's change our paradigm. Our individual or collective thoughts and actions play a large role in the shaping of ourselves, our family, our lives, other cultures and societies... Our existence... What we think and do today is the legacy we will be leaving to our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc. Believe in a higher power (God/Goddess/Source/All That Is, Cosmic Creator Of All, etc...), and fully embrace your spiritual practices and principles. Our spiritual practices and beliefs, and our thoughts; shape the world we live in, and can open up new levels of consciousness that eradicate the problems we face. We can't fix a problem with the same energy, or at a lower level, than it was created with. We change the world one person at a time; by being the changes we want to see in the world. It takes great strength to do that; to do what is right instead of what our peers or parents might think we should do. To be an individual making our own decisions in the now, instead of fading into the pack... Or doing nothing because we feel outnumbered, or that it won't make a difference anyway...

So many want peace, compassion, comradery, and brotherhood... So many want to help, and there are also those who would choose to rule by the use of power, fear and guilt (imagined or not). It would be so easy to blame others "outside" of ourselves, like the politicians or leaders because "we" feel they are unconscious un-enlightened leaders, but the real truth of the situation lies within each of us. .. Within our hearts and our souls....

It is so important to be present now, and involved within our existence and to truly live our lives in the now. This is where we can really make a difference. So many people are trapped in the past, or are immobilized by waiting for something to happen in the future (that may never happen), before taking action NOW.

As Eckhart Tolle so wisely put it (please forgive any minor misquote), "nothing happens outside of the NOW".

Incessant mental noise can stop us from finding that realm of inner stillness... that is inseparable from being. It also creates a false mind-made self (EGO/Pain Body) that casts the shadow of fear and suffering. I've seen a lot of people stuck in this trap when all along they've had the key to unlock the door. Thinking seems to have almost become a disease, and disease happens when things become out of balance. An uncontrolled mind can become very destructive, especially if you're not using it, and instead it is using you.

It is a delusion to think that you are your mind, when you believe this, it is a sign that your mind has taken you over. The mind holds on to and keeps going back to something that happened in the past, or looks at what might be happening in the future.

Have you ever done, experienced, felt anything outside the now?
Do you think you ever will?
Is it possible for anything to happen or be outside the now?

Nothing ever happened in the past, it happened in the now... Nothing will ever happen in the future, it will happen in the now... What we think of as the past is a memory stored in the mind of the former now. Many times it is not even a true or complete memory. When you remember the past you activate a memory, and you do so now. The future is an imagined now, a projection of the mind. When the future comes, it comes as the now. When you think about the future, you do it now. Past and future obviously have no reality of their own. Just as the Moon has no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the Sun. Our past and future are only pale reflections of the light, power and eternity of the eternal present, now. The most important thing is to accept the present, by living in the now. If you don't accept the gift of your existence now, you never will.

It is truly my hope, for myself and everyone/everything in existence to be aware and change their paradigm now. Let's change our minds and change the world, now....

Much Love to you Brother...